Blog 5: Just because he's Mr Perfect, doesn't mean he's Mr Right

Have you ever met a guy who seems to tick all the boxes?

My friend Elle seems to meet one every 6 months.

Her latest is Daniel.

“What do you like about him?” I asked, as we sipped our tea, overlooking the Camden lock and feeling very city-chic.

“Well for a start he’s gorgeous” She excitedly explained. “He has the most amazing biceps”.

I couldn’t help but give the ‘looks-aren’t-everything’ frown, as she knowingly continued

“He's also incredibly funny and confident. He's amusing. He's always nice to me. I mean, he teases me, but that's how it's been from the get go. He just gives me butterflies. There’s a real spark. Tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, well educated, city banker.  He’s my idea of Mr Perfect.”

Elle continued to tell me the juicy details of how they had first met. It turned out Daniel had contacted her on Facebook for a bet.

“We had a mutual friend, who said he’d never be able to get me on a date.” Elle proudly chirped. “A few flirty emails later, after I’d had a good chance to study each of his profile pictures, we decided to hook up – you only live once – and it helped that he has a killer six pack”

They had, according to Elle, hit it off instantly. They both liked each other. They flirted unashamedly.

“I never knew a standard ‘drinks’ date could be so much fun.’ She exclaimed, whilst her voice got even more animated, rising with utter delight.

“Then came the first kiss” Elle blushed.  “It was like I hadn’t been kissed before”

I quickly erased all the previous men I had seen her lock lips with over the years, as Elle continued;

“He walked me to the tube station, and leaned in. I barely felt the drops of rain as the showers began to pour. There we were, kissing in torrential weather. It was so romantic. His arms were so strong and his chest pressed against mine. The intensity was electrifying”.

I nodded, knowing that this conversation was going somewhere interesting. Elle is the type of person who always has an exciting drama of some sorts, and I am always happy to listen with delight.

“Well, the thing is….”

From the too-good-to-be-true tone, I could tell where this was heading.

“We’ve had some amazing dates. We’ve been to a musical, been for various meals, cocktails, films. He even introduced me to all his friends. I wanted to hook you up with one of them.”

Elle is a sweetheart and always considers others. Especially, when it comes to my love life – she’s rooting for chief bridesmaid.

“Anyway, about a week ago, I text Dan, and he didn’t text back. I thought that’s odd. But, I’ve been reading your blog and I did exactly what you told me to. I didn’t chase”

There’s something genuinely quite flattering when a best friend takes your advice.

“Until the next morning, that is….. I just couldn't help myself. It was just one text. Look…”

She pulled out her blackberry sheepishly and showed me the message: are you ok? It read.

“It isn’t too damaging” I reassured her “I have definitely done much worse.”

Elle smiled with relief and proceeded to expose details of her latest romance.

“That night, I thought I’d take a quick glimpse to see if he’s been online. Well, you wouldn’t believe what happened next?” Elle gasped. “He had deleted me on facebook! Can you believe that? He actually deleted me!”

She gazed at me tentatively, as if to say what does that mean?

So, here goes, my attempt to make sense of another male riddle.

As per my previous blogs, (I assume) we have all been in this situation. I most certainly have.

Hot guy, date goes well, and then suddenly he’s not interested.

But Daniel is different from a Michael or a James. (See blog 1 and 3).

Daniel was keen, and Elle hadn’t thrown herself at him. She was always quite dignified in these situations.

Elle, reassured me that she had played it cool at all times and tried her very best to treat him like an Adam (see blog 2).

So why was this gorgeous incredible man suddenly turning into a player. What had gone wrong?

“The problem with Daniel is that he is Mr Perfect” I explained, whilst Elle looked understandably confused.

 “No one really wants Mr Perfect. Dan was a 10 out of 10, right?” I quizzed, whilst Elle nodded enthusiastically. “That’s your problem Elle. You don’t want a 10.”

“But surely a 10 out of 10 is a good thing?” she looked puzzled, as I began to try and resolve her latest heartbreak.

In all honesty, Elle’s relationship with Daniel was doomed from the start. From the moment she gushed about the ‘intensity’ of their first date. From the moment she felt the spark.

Listen carefully; I’m only going to say this once:

Men created ‘the spark’ to get girls to sleep with them,

And the guy’s that seem ‘Mr Perfect’ are usually the best at creating ‘the spark’.

Yes, Elle is gorgeous and great and hilarious, just like Dan. But two great ingredients don’t necessarily go together.

Lobster and cinnamon come to mind.         

If you really want to find Mr Right, don’t go for the guy that’s a 10.

Forgive me if you consider yourself a ‘10’ but experience tells me that a disproportionate number of ‘Mr Perfects’ are always guaranteed to be: Shallow, narcissistic, selfish, demanding, difficult, more likely to flirt, less likely to commit and somewhat disconnected from the ‘average’ person’s reality.

There is no value in chasing a 10 out of 10 guy who you have ‘the spark’ with expecting it to go somewhere.

TOWIE’s Mark Wright is a classic example of a 10. Good looking, charming, but he knows it, and that’s his biggest flaw.

A 10 is just trouble.

And Elle does not need trouble, she needs Mr Right.

Of course you may say, ‘I know this one guy who’s really hot and really nice’. And yes you are probably right. It still doesn’t change the fact that most 10’s are problematic partners.

‘But surely finding Mr Right is about holding out for a 10?’ Elle gloomily stated when I explained the above to her.

‘No, no, no’ I shook my head. “The most important reason that chasing Mr Perfect is a bad idea is that, when you actually get him, you probably wouldn’t want to keep him.”

Chasing looks and chemistry is like a sport. There’s the rush of the chase, the thrill of the victory, and the smugness of showing off your hot catch to all your friends. – for a moment.

But what happens when you actually fall for the 10/10 guy? When, just like Elle, you find a Daniel? A tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, well educated, city banker.

Guess what? Daniel’s probably not that into you.

In fact, Daniel’s probably more into himself.

Daniel’s probably going to be a workaholic – that’s what made him a successful career.

Daniel’s probably going to be arrogant and stubborn – that’s what happens when you’re a success at everything you do.

Daniel’s probably going to be vain – that’s what happens when you’re told how gorgeous you are.

Daniel’s probably going to be a player – that’s what happens when you have the ability to pick and choose at will.

Daniel’s probably never going to commit – why would he when he has a variety of women to date at his leisure.

Daniel’s probably going to be whole lot of hassle – that’s why he was so good at flirting on their first date. He has done this a million times before. Creating ‘the spark’ is second nature to him.

And so, Elle, you are never really going to get Jude Law, or Michael Fassbender, or Dan.

You were just renting him, and you’re merely overlooking his considerable flaws because of how hot he is.

The key is to break the cycle. Stop chasing the charmers and falling for ‘the spark’. Yes, attraction matters, but it should be secondary to more important things. As Jessie J says nobody’s perfect, so actually finding ‘Mr Perfect’ is only ever going to be a short term high.

Yes, meeting a guy who is a 10/10, and flirting with him unashamedly is always going to be an ego boost.

But, if you really want to find something healthy and enduring – and STILL have great sex – try going for a 7 in ‘the spark’ / charm column and a 10 in every other area. Kindness, warmth, intelligence, wit, consistency, effort, generosity. These are the things that matter when you are 50 – not whether he can still charm the knickers off you.

Of course, we all like to dream that we’ll be the one who finds the perfect 10.

But don’t be too surprised if everyone else finds their way into a successful relationship whilst you keep chasing a fairytale prince charming without a hope of a happy ending.

So Elle, I know it’s left you feeling like you’re back at square one. But, I’m glad Daniel isn’t in your life any more. In my books he’s a zero out of 10.

He may have been your Mr Perfect, but that doesn’t mean he’s your Mr Right. 

Blog Number 4: A Girl's Guide to Facebook Stalking

In 2004 Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook - a device that, for centuries, women had longed for.

The power to find out everything about a guy, without him ever realising, at the click of a button.

The ability to do what is commonly known as ‘Facebook stalking’.

Personally I prefer to use the word Facebook snooping. It doesn’t sound as harsh. But no matter how you disguise it, stalking, snooping, having-a-nosey or just a casual quick glimpse at his profile…… it’s something every girl does.

All girls, at some point in their life, for one reason or another, have Facebook stalked.

I will hear no denials and accept no excuses - I know as well as you do, that the last time you exercised your right to stalk was within the past 24 hours.


We've all stared a little too long and a little too closely at a guy's profile and thought ''Is this weird?''

And yet, none of us can publicly admit it.

Firstly, let me set something straight, we are NOT talking about genuine psycho-stalking, okay? Not turning up in bushes outside your ex’s house, nor ‘coincidently’ finding your way to a party you weren’t really invited to… No no, this is somewhat more light hearted.


We're talking about the need to learn more about a person you know (or don't know) by reading their wall posts, information, or viewing their pictures, all anonymously. Whether you're following a crush, an ex, or even the crush of an ex, finding out someone's online presence is pretty much a relationship requirement.

We just can’t help ourselves, We like things in black and white. We like to know things. Whether it’s gossip, or just to understand men better. Facebook is a Pandora’s box of juicy details.

So if we’re going to do it, if we just can’t help ourselves, let’s at least set

some basic standards ladies.

Let’s not go overboard, or become an actual stalker. Let’s not get to the point where you have to block him as a self-enforced restraining order.

If you’re going to stalk, at least do it with some dignity and save yourself the embarrassment.

Let’s set ourselves a few cardinal rules to online stalking that prevent you going OTT.

So here it is. The reason you clicked on this blog. The online guide to Facebook stalking.

Firstly, before reading these rules, I’d like to firmly establish that I am not guilty of all of this. (so please don’t rush to de-friend me) .

It has all come from open discussions with friends, work colleagues and, in some cases, real life examples I’ve noted on newsfeeds.

Read it, cringe, and then acknowledge that we’re all guilty of it in one way or another.

Facebook stalking: the rules

1)  Don’t snoop on someone if they haven’t actually friended you.

This is just weird. It’s like creeping around in someone’s house when they haven’t invited you in. If you can notice a profile picture has changed and you’re not even their friend, then you’re probably guilty of this.

Just accept that they have made their profile private for a reason. Yes, it’s a massive inconvenience. Yes, you have to make-do with just that little small photo box as the only glimpse into their real life. But staring at it aimlessly will not give you any more information. Please, step away from the computer.

2) Never publicly admit that you know someone’s wardrobe better than them….

Have you ever been in a bar and the guy you’ve got a crush on just happens to walk in. You casually wander over to say hi, and before you can stop yourself you remark “Oh I love that top, you’ve been wearing it a lot recently”. Only you haven’t seen him for 2 months.

Awkward.

What you actually mean is you’ve been staring at his chest far too much and he’s wearing that top in his most recently tagged photo’s. Never. Ever. Ever. Admit this. It will freak him out.

3) The wall to wall button was created to tease us….. Do yourself a favour, never click on it.

Resist the temptation to over analyse an entire conversation you were never part of in the first place. It only leaves you hating the other person more.

Yes, they are talking, yes they are flirting, yes he seems perfectly capable of responding to her wall posts, yet he still hasn’t found the time to respond to your text.

Spending hours trying to work out the psychology behind each punctuation mark isn’t going to put your mind at rest. Even if they do seem comfortable putting ‘xxx’ at the end of each comment.

4) Do not like the same pages someone else likes, just so that they think you have lots in common.

Call me old fashioned, but before you do this, try having an actual conversation on an actual date. It’s a much more realistic way to assess your compatibility.

5) Never poke someone, or fall for someone who pokes you

If a guy pokes you it just means he wants to sleep with you.

If you poke him back it means you either a) want the same or b) you have A.D.D.

6) It is not normal if you find yourself staying up until 3am to see how many ‘new facebook friends’ he adds on his night out. (or logging on first thing in the morning to do pretty much the same thing). 

I’m not even going to explain this one. It is not normal behaviour. You need to stop and get a life.

Write a list of things to do, and every time you feel compelled to check his page, spend your time doing something on the list instead. ….. You’re probably going to need a lot of paper and a whole box of pens if your Facebook stalking is this bad!

7) Do not ‘like’ his status just so that he gets a notification with your name in it.

Admittedly, there’s some satisfaction in knowing that a boy is thinking of you. But forcing him to do it, seriously, that’s just desperate.

Equally as bad is deliberately writing a status in the hope that he might comment on it.

Facebook status: ‘Last night was so amazing, met some fitties!’

Trust me, unless you’re dating an idiot, he will see through this game. And is jealousy really the reaction you want to promote?

8) Do not read too much into his reactions.

By all means, post a really hot picture which took several hours to craft, but looks effortlessly natural.

Yes, he will probably like it. That does NOT mean he wants to be your boyfriend. It’s just his way of saying ‘yeah, I’d tap that’.

9) You can’t judge a Facebook by its cover

Just because he has a photo of him and his nan doesn’t mean he’s a nice guy. Equally, just because there’s a photo of him and a pretty blonde, doesn’t mean he’s cheating.

Facebook is only going to give you a superficial version of a person. How much are you really going to ascertain about him online, especially whether or not he's a Mr Right?

Just because you see him hugging a puppy, it doesn't mean that he's your knight in shining armour. Honestly, he put up those pictures up because it made him look good. Ever seen someone put up pictures of him slaughtering cattle or standing in front of a bunch of whips and chains?

10) Finally, do not have more of a relationship with Facebook than you do in real life.

Do you find yourself looking at old secondary school classmates and wondering how on earth their relationship status says engaged? Why does the girl, who had a moustache before she hit puberty, seem perfectly capable of attracting the opposite sex and yet you are still single?

It’s probably because she goes out. She does stuff. Unlike you, she isn’t sat looking at everyone else’s life go by and wondering why you haven’t got one.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop stalking your ex and wondering what could have been?

Don’t forget you have real friends, not just Facebook friends. Arrange a night out with them. Then upload your photos. Before you know it, your life will be so interesting that someone might even be stalking you!

So ladies, (and some men) now you’ve read this blog and had a chance to digest the rules. Go ahead and stalk away.

Be happy with the acknowledgement that it is something we all do. You are not alone.

But remember, there’s a fine line between Facebook stalking and being a full on psycho. Don’t cross it.

Blog3: He's just not that into you..... but you still wish he was.

According to my google-ing, 40% of people have dated someone at work.

My friend Charlotte comfortably sits in this 40%.

Charlotte (or Charlie as her friends like to call her) is one of the most inspirational people I know. She’s funny. She’s gorgeous. She’s clever. She has the most amazing sense of style. She even owns her own house. She’s basically everything I want to be.

But Charlie has one crucial flaw. Michael. 

Michael first caught Charlie’s eye at the work Christmas party – so clichéd, and yet we’ve all been there.

After he made a beeline for her at the bar, he spent the entire evening discussing their mutual love for ‘The Smith’s’. Charlie cringed whilst Michael danced like Morrissey and chuckled whilst he tried to mold a napkin into a gladioli flower (which she still keeps hidden in her bedside drawer).

Thankfully, despite Michael’s best efforts, Charlie didn’t cave in.

The next day Charlie was confused about her feelings, but proud that she had kept her dignity.

She liked Michael. She toyed with the idea of an office fling. But her dedication to succeed at work forced her to focus on her job role rather than her romance.

Consequently, this made Michael like Charlie even more. She became his firm favorite in the ‘office top 10’ list. Michael, as company sales director, loved the chase.

A few weeks later, Friday work drinks quickly whittled down leaving Michael and Charlie. Alone. In a bar. With a bottle of white wine still left to drink.

After the initial awkward chit chat, they stumbled across a topic they both had in common. Michael impressed Charlie with his vast knowledge of the Italian coast so much that she didn’t hesitate to say yes when he suggested they continued their conversation over dinner.

Maybe it was his love of Rome, or maybe it was her love of white wine, but something clicked and Charlie went against her better judgement.

They split a dessert, each had a cappuccino, and discussed their favorite books and movies. When the evening was over, Michael insisted he saw Charlie home safely, walking her all the way back, then lingered at her door hoping for an invitation inside.

“Do you want to come in for a bit?” Charlie asked.

“Only if you aren’t tired,” Michael said.

Charlie smiled and stepped into the house. She looked back to see Michael still standing there.

“I’m not tired at all, actually,” she said flopping down on her couch.

Michael walked through the door and closed it behind him.

The next morning Michael woke up to find Charlie in the kitchen.  After an awkward goodbye, he headed home to get moving on his day. As it was the weekend, he promised he’d call her later that evening, but he already had plans with the guys.  I will see her on Monday anyway, he thought.

Meanwhile Charlie was already on the phone with her best friend, retelling the nights’ events.

“You slept with him?!” Her friend gasped.

“I know, I was bad. I shouldn’t have.  But we have such amazing chemistry.” A hungover Charlie explained. “He’s going to call me later tonight. Maybe we will go to the cinema.”

Of course Michael never called.  Charlie sat home for a while but then forced herself to meet up with her friends at a bar down the street.  She lamented to them that she hadn’t heard from Michael and began to think she had done something wrong.

“I don’t think I thanked him for dinner!” She exclaimed quickly breaking out her iphone. “I’m going to text him and say thanks again for the wonderful night.” Before her friends could interject, she had already sent the message.

Michael text back on Sunday evening telling her he was exhausted from the weekend and maybe they would catch up after work one night.  Charlie was completely thrown off by this comment. Maybe? What does maybe mean?

Monday morning came round and Michael gave Charlie a cheeky wink as he walked past her desk on route to the kitchen.

Charlie blushed. Then quickly popped him an email.

“I’d rather we kept this out of the office ;-)”

“Sounds good to me” Michael replied.

They decided to meet up for a drink that evening.  Everything went well just as it did on their last meeting.  Charlie felt silly for stressing out. Clearly Michael liked her, all the signs were there. They stayed out until the bar closed at 2am.  As they walked out the door, Michael grabbed her and kissed her.

“Come back to my place?” He asked.

“Okay.” She said.

You can guess what happened next. After they had sex for the second time Michael didn’t talk for almost two days. He was working on a really busy project.  Charlie was going nuts.  Why hadn’t he emailed asking to see her? Was there someone else in the picture? She hadn’t done anything wrong. They had amazing chemistry. They even worked together. Why would he seem so interested one minute, but then not care the next? He didn’t even wink at her anymore. All week she had worn her best outfits and got up super early to curl her hair. And still he hadn’t noticed her. She felt helpless and depressed.  What could she do? She was wrought with anxiety. She chose this man over her career. Surely that should mean something. Surely that shows that they are supposed to be together?

Friday came and Charlie rationalised that this was the 21^st century. In this day and age women can make the first move. She typed H and I into her keyboard, then dragged the mouse to click on send. She would feel better just hearing back from him.

“Hey you!” Michael replied back.

By this point Charlie was so upset that she was in no fit state to hold a coherent conversation. 

 “Are we ok?’ Charlie asked as if she were neglected mother who’s son hadn’t called home in awhile.

“Yes. Why?” He asked.

“You haven’t emailed me all week and I thought…. I’m not sure what to think really because we had such a good time on our dates. I guess I thought you would want to see me more.”

The lack of reply indicated how uncomfortable Michael was at that moment.

That night whilst Charlie read the print out of the conversation over and over again, Michael hit the pub with friends. At about 9pm, boozed and feeling horny he picked up his phone and sent a text to the one girl he knew would reply.

“I do like you, I just don’t really think I want a serious relationship right now. I thought we were having a good time.”

At that point, Charlie should have deleted his number and walked away.  She should have realised that Michael’s impression of her was already a done deal.  He had already had sex with her, so he didn’t feel the need to chase her any longer.  Now he was just calling and texting at his leisure.  He wasn’t out to pursue her. He had already divided and conquered… so to speak.

But Charlie didn’t delete his number.  Instead, she reassured Michael that she wasn’t looking for anything serious either and suggested he comes over.  He agreed. And arrived 3 hours later, after last orders.

And the pattern repeats itself. Six months down the line, Michael says jump, and Charlie says how high?

She does this with the desperate hope that soon Michael will realise that he loves Charlie, and will be ready to commit to a proper relationship.

But Michael never will.

To an outsider, it seems so obvious that Michael is just not interested.  He doesn’t call when he says he will.  He doesn’t want to see Charlie more than once a week, and he even flat out told her, “hey, I’m not looking to get involved with you.”  So why would Charlie continue to keep seeing this guy?

Because Charlie is a representation of our greatest female flaw. As Women we have a bizarre attraction to the unattainable. This is why every lunch time 5 million women log onto Dailymail.co.uk  We want to look at the burberry coat. Want to be like Rosie Huntington Whitley. We long for that bikini body. We dream of sailing on that luxury Yacht.

 We are programed to want what we cannot have. Which makes us want it even more. Even though, in most cases, we accept we’ll never get it.

When we come across a Michael, this desire for the unattainable merge’s with something that should be easy to get. Michael is unattainable and yet he is already a part of Charlie’s life. She has to some extent already had him. He is dangling carrot in front of a horse, allowing it to occasionally nibble but only for a taste.

In Charlies’s case, she’d rather fight tooth and nail to get Michel to go out with her again so she doesn’t have to face the fact they will never be an item.

If he sees her again, pays the bar tab, and drives her home, then she can tell herself, “see, he really does think you are great.  Even though he doesn’t want a relationship now, he may later.”

And every little text she gets, every moment of attention, feels 1000 times more gratifying than the embarrassment she faced to get there - because she’s one step closer to making him realise. And one day I’m sure he will. Won’t he?

The harder Charlie works at it, the more she believes she’s closer to the ultimate goal.

Because it feels so right when they are together, just like a mulberry bag looks so good when it’s on your arm.

It’s the elated joy of getting what you want, the unattainable.

It’s dangerously mixing the definitions of love and obsession. Love lasts a lifetime, obsession is temporary.

If a man loves you, he will always try to win you, he will never feel as though he has won you over. He will perform small acts of kindness all the time. 

If a man is obsessed with you, he will try to win you for a short period of time, then back off and watch you chase him with delight.

So Charlie, if you’re reading this, Even though you don’t want to hear it, the best thing to do is walk away.  You aren’t going to change his mind by continuing to hound him.  He’s not going to suddenly feel different about you if you text him more.  I know it’s hard to face the fact that you may have been taken for a mug and he’s put you in the “hook-up only” box, but it’s a lot better than wasting your time chasing a guy that doesn’t want you, right? 

So move on, as hard as it is, move on. Make sure this is a lesson you don’t soon forget. Your self-respect will come back in time.  The more time you spend away from him, the faster it will come back.  In time, you won’t feel that constant ache.  You won’t crave his approval.  But it starts by cutting yourself off from him. 

The more you hold on, the longer you will suffer.

Blog 2: How to keep him keen (without being mean!)

Before moving to London I was in short-lived relationship with a guy I knew I was never going to marry, Adam* (name changed to keep him from hating me).

Adam was good looking, popular and lovely. But he lacked ambition and a desire to go places. For this reason, I knew we weren’t compatible. I’d always planned to move to the big city.

Why am I telling you this? Because when I announced I was moving to London, Adam told me I was ‘taking a little bit of his heart’.  We’d only been dating for two months.

Whilst I had been happy to hang out, remaining rather aloof to our summer of love, Adam had consequently fallen: truly, madly and deeply. Cue the Savage Garden song.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet. I can’t count the number of times the shoe has been on the other foot. But in the months that followed, Adam removed me on Facebook, added me again, messaged me obsessively, rang me drunkenly, did all the things we needy girls do. He really had fallen for me, and yet the feeling was not mutual. 

So, why was Adam different from other men? Why is it that the guy you’re interested in isn’t interested in you, and yet the Adams of this world are hooked?

I can only presume that Adam fell for me because I didn’t want anything from him.

The power of a relationship lies with the one who cares least.

I did have feelings for Adam. He was a lovely guy and we had some awesome dates. If I had stayed up north we might still be together.

But the truth is, Adam liked me because I didn’t want anything from him.   

So, what can we learn from this?

Next time you meet a guy you like, treat him like an Adam and he might just fall for you….. 

Below: 5 tips to keep him keen (without being mean!)

I don’t want to seem like a know-it-all. I’m not. I’ll be the first to admit that many-a-time I haven’t listened to my own advice, but it’s only left me feeling worse off.

It isn’t a game, it’s just common sense and stops you from being a tad crazy…. Just don’t tell him that you’re doing this!

1: Put yourself first

If a friend texted asking if you are free for a social drink tomorrow, would you drop all your plans to meet up with her? I didn’t think so. You’d just arrange an alternative more suitable time.

The same applies to men.

Don’t make a man your everything.

That includes going out of your way to end up in the same nightclub – I’m definitely guilty of this one.

If by some chance, this turns out to be the man you marry, then you’ll have endless days of happy marital bliss. For the meantime, enjoy being an independent single girl.

These days don’t last forever.

2. Keep yourself busy

Being busy means you’re doing stuff.

Doing stuff means you’re more interesting.

Being interesting makes you more attractive.

With the added bonus that you’ll have something to take your mind off the fact he hasn’t text you yet. Learn a new hobby, join a gym, go for dinner with friends.

Once you have a date secured in the diary, arrange to do something for the following three days with friends. Not only does this give you something interesting to talk about on your date, but it also gives you something to look forward to other than a text from him.

You might even meet Mr Right, whilst keeping yourself distracted from Mr Wrong.

3. If he texts you….. text him back (but the golden rule remains: don’t text him first)

Yes, that’s right. It’s not a typo. If he texts you, text him back!

Don’t think about it. Just text him.

Forget all the ‘rules’ that tell you to times the amount of times it took him to text you by two, or not to text back for 3 days, or wait until you get another text. These are all games. They will NOT make a man fall in love with you.  You are NOT a game player. You are an independent woman who does what she wants, when she wants.

Hopefully, if you’ve followed the previous point, you should be too busy to even notice he’s text.  And if he hasn’t text at all, or if he doesn’t text back straight away, then he’s a James. Re read my first blog. You’re always better than a James.

4. Do not look at his facebook, twitter, google his name or stare at your phone aimlessly.

Most people have FB-stalked before, whether  it’s to see if he’s as busy as he says he is, or to check out the girl who has commented on his status five times.

Personally, I refuse to delete anyone on facebook, or to block or delete a profile, since that makes you seem crazier than your intentions.

There’s a word for this conundrum. Self-discipline.

Is analysing all his facebook photo’s really going to move your ‘relationship’ along? (including the newly tagged one of the bikini girl groping him on some exotic beach)

Spend your time doing things that make YOU happy. Not wasting it doing things that drive you insane.

Set yourself a goal to not go on his facebook, twitter, bbm, EVER! It’s hard, but you’ll feel better for it. Forever is a long time, but ask yourself this……, what’s the point? It doesn’t make you feel better. It only makes you more disheartened that his profile picture is still of him and his ex girlfriend. Pfft!

5. Not every guy you meet is going to be Mr Right

Stop thinking about the result and focus on the now. Remember ‘he’s just a fucking date!’ it’s a philosophy and attitude all rolled into one. It’s the difference between expecting something to happen and being surprised when it does.

In life there are things you can change, your appearance, your weight, your mindset….. but there is one thing you cannot change and that is other people. Even when we are the coolest, best version of ourselves, someone will still say ‘not for me’.

“So, does that mean I’m supposed to spend hours getting dressed up, then pretend that I don’t care what happens, even though I secretly do?”

Yes, and you’ll be the better person for it.

Look, most guys you go out with aren’t going to be Mr Right. You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince. It’s just the way that life works.

You must understand that the right relationship won’t make you a crazy needy person. Next time you have those dreaded feelings of need and insecurity they should be your first clue that this is probably not the guy for you because Mr Right wouldn’t want you to feel this way.

Patience, young grass hopper, your time will come x

The "I still haven't heard from him" predicament

Let me tell you a true story about Amy, one of my best mates!

But before I tell you, here’s a little background into Amy’s love life.

In her mid 20’s, she’s gorgeous, super intelligent but not intimidating. Amy is as sweet as pie and a good catch.

The two things that she doesn’t trust? Men, and herself when she’s around men. (Something we singles tend to have in common)

Despite this, Amy never has trouble attracting guys; her trouble is in keeping them.

Does this sound like anyone you know? Nah. Didn’t think so… ;-)

Anyway, Amy recently went on a date James. James is tall. James is hot. James is super cute. James is confident. James is experienced.

Basically, James is all of the characteristics that any girl finds so rarely in one man, that when she stumbles across such a guy, she HAS to have him.

Oh, and one other thing: James is on the rebound from a relationship. Amy is the first person he’s been with since his breakup.  

What follows is altogether too predictable.

Amy went out with James. A few cheeky cocktails in some swanky bar. Barely able to contain her excitement, slept with him.

Naturally, James, still excited the next day, made the odd few texts later that night with suggestions of a second date to follow up soon. He even walked her to Clapham station the morning after.

Amy, breathing a great sigh of relief, started imagining James as potential boyfriend material… Which meant calls, texts, just to know where things were going…

Until, predictably, James pulled the “slow fade”, where he didn’t fall completely out of touch, but became highly inaccessible.

A week had passed and now Amy is on the phone to me asking for dating advice…..should she text him one last time? Maybe we could hang out near his house? Or maybe I could text his friend that we both know? (sound of record scratching)

“You want him BACK?” I ask.

“Yes! I don’t have this feeling about guys very often. I want it to last.”

“You mean the feeling of elation that comes with sleeping with a hot guy? Or the feeling of despair you have because he’s a player, he hasn’t called you and you don’t have any chance of having a successful long-term relationship with him?”

The silence on the other end was deafening. Yet Amy couldn’t disagree with me.

James WAS a player. James DID sleep with her right away. James WASN’T ready for a relationship. James DID just want a one night stand.

And yet here she was, reeling from raw emotion, begging me, to help her GET THIS IDIOT BACK.

This is like giving the alcoholic just one more drink.

BAD idea.

I’m guessing you’ve had this bad idea yourself. I most definitely have.

Why do we do this girls? Some random hot guy breaks your heart and all you can do is beat yourself up and attempt to plot how to win him over once again.  What a waste of time.

Even if I could create some magic potion that erased James’s memory of Amy’s needy texts and planted a chip in his head that forced him to call her every day… you know what Amy would get in return?

A selfish, immature, emotionally unavailable player who is in no position to be a good boyfriend to ANYBODY.

Thus, as far as I’m concerned, James gave Amy a gift – the gift of freedom.

The freedom to cut the cord quickly because there is no potential of a future with a man who has shown no desire to commit.

Look back in your past and consider how much time you wasted on men like this.

Now think of your future, and remember you’re probably one step closer to finding Mr Right J  

Learn from these mistakes, enjoy your learnings, but remember your always better than a James!