Thursday, 7 June 2012

Blog 21: A girlfriend in need, is NOT a girlfriend indeed......

One of my best friends Anna recently got dumped by a guy she was really into.
They’d only been together for a month.
It’s taking her awhile for her to get over him, something I can’t quite understand because it was fairly short lived, and it wasn’t like the words "I love you" were ever spoken or parents were ever introduced.

Her reasoning for why it ended was because he didn’t fell as strongly about her and wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship.
Unfortunately for Anna this seems to happen quite a lot. 
Ann is stunning.
Ridiculously tall, with long blonde hair, and legs that reach to the sky.
A night out on the town with her and you can be guaranteed free drinks and invites into endless VIP booths.
But despite her super-model looks, Anna can’t seem to hold down the one thing she really wants - Mr. Right.
Over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that guys become attracted to her on an infatuated basis, but then, once it wears off, most guys don’t want to keep pursuing the relationship.
I don’t know about you, but from my experience, this seems to be a reoccurring problem for single girls worldwide!
I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought:
“It’s not that I can’t attract a guy, it’s just that I can’t seem to keep him”
Anna and I could not be more different as people, but we both have the same agonizing problem of finding a man and keeping him interested for longer than 3 dates.
Naturally our conclusions lead us to question “Why are there no good men out there?”
But could it be that WE are the problem?
Could it be that OUR own fear and need – of being alone, of not-being-good-enough, of being too rigid, to masculine – is running the risk of turning off any new men we meet?
Is our desperation turning us into sales women - forcing men into a relationship, rather than allowing them to buy into it on their own accord?
Anna rang me last week in floods of tears.
Apparently, her ex had told a mutual friend that the reason he broke up with her was because she was “crazy-needy”
Of course, Anna was bound to be heart broken. 
But I couldn’t help thinking that maybe he made had a valid point.
Anna has always gone from bloke to bloke.
She once said to me that having a boyfriend makes her life feel more exciting.
Naturally, Anna was extremely happy when they had first got together; but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
I honestly believe, you shouldn't pursue a relationship until you are happy in your own circumstances.
Basically, don't make your happiness depend on that of a guy; especially when they're not guaranteed to stick around in the long run!
Anna isn't as happy as she used to be, and I think it's because the relationship didn't work out and more recently, she discovered that how her ex really felt about her was different than what he told her.
I could tell her to look at the brighter side of things, but that's more easily said than done.
So what is a single girl supposed to do?
What’s the answer to keeping a guy interested for longer than 3 dates?
DO NOTHING.
If you’re “doing something” it means you a desperately trying to keep your emotional tether alive.
You’re trying to nudge him into texting you, seeing you, committing to you.
But the thing about Mr. Right is that he won’t need to be nudged, pushed or cornered into a relationship.
So, what do you do?
If it’s been 10 hours and you haven’t got a text, you do nothing.
Let it be.
If it’s Thursday night and he hasn’t called to ask what you’re up to this weekend, you do nothing.
Let it be.
If you’ve been dating for 6 weeks and it still says he’s single on his FB profile, you do nothing.
Let it be.
Why? Wouldn’t it make more sense to text him, call him and speak to him so that he doesn’t lose interest in you?
Nope, all you do when you corner a man into action is let him know that he is in control.
You’re simply telling him that you are desperate, needy and you want a boyfriend.
Finding Mr. Right is not about finding out if he wants to live in the city or the country, when he wants kids, how long does he think he’ll take to put a ring on it and trying to get him to say “I LOVE YOU” by date 4.
These are all things you’ll deal with later. ….
For now, whether you’re single, or dating, learn to just have fun.
Laugh. Say Yes. Be easygoing. Smile. Fool around. Enjoy the moment.
These are the things that make you attractive.
And you’ll never have more leverage over a man then one who has chosen you on his own accord.
Mr. Right will only emotionally invest in you because he feels happy when he’s around you.
If it’s week 3 and he’s already receiving texts saying “where are you?” or late night calls pleading “where is this going?” then you’re not making him feel too good in the present, so he certainly won’t stick around for a future.
Just relax and enjoy the ride.
Put all your fears, all your nudging, all your needs to the side and just enjoy the present.
Mr. Right will know when to make the next move, I promise.
And if he doesn’t then he isn’t Mr. Right!

2 comments:

  1. i agree with what you're saying, truly I do. But it absolutely SUCKS when something you want doesn't work out. and it's hard not to mooch about that.
    It also seems to be so much more complicated as we get older. Way more Mr and Ms Wrongs to get through:)

    ReplyDelete