Blog 24: Online dating - the good, the bad and the fugly....

Personally, I am a great believer in in trying everything at least one, and all means to get to an end. So I was caught quite off guard when I was out for lunch with the girls the other day.

Catherine was giving the usual moan about how there are "simply no good men in the world, they are all taken", when I suggested she tried online dating.

Suddenly the room fell silent.

I felt like an outsider.

A desperate woman amongst the elite.

How dare I bring this up!!

"Whats the big deal?" I blurted out, in a sense of nervousness and defense.

I was not prepared for the lash of snide remarks and comments on the issue.

For the prupose of this blog, I will list a few of them. (With no doubt you are thinking the same thing)

• "Online dating is for desperate people who are unable to find someone in an open setting"
• "All men (yes, all) lie about their age, height and financial security online"
• "The picture they upload on those sites are who men wish they looked like. I've heard that they look nothing like that in real life" - (interestingly the girl who said that later admitted to me she had secretly had recently joined a well known site, but was too scared to admit it)
• "Do you want to die? everyone knows that the men on those sites are either rapists or murderers looking for their next victim! (Yes, someone actually said this)
• "I'm old fashioned. I prefer to meet face to face"

The latter point hit the nail on the head.

C'mon ladies, this is 2012! Stop being so OLD FASHIONED.

We are constantly being bombarded with the increasing temptation to buy into the latest technology.

The I-Phone 5, the touch screen kindle, the 200 inch plasma 3d TV.

But, despite this infatuation to latest futuristic technology, there is still a massive taboo, when it comes to using new methods to find Mr. Right.

Online dating is still a massive hush! hush!

It's like we've had a upgrade on all other areas of our social life; facebook, twitter, myspace (and for those of you old enough to remember) MSN, but we're yet to find an acceptable upgrade for dating.

So many of my friends say that online dating is for the desperate.

And yet those friends spend hours getting ready on a saturday, cramming thier bits and bobs into the tiniest of outfits and wearing 8 inch heals, all with the desperate hope that they might meet Mr. Right that evening.

In truth, we've all tried online dating in one form or another.

What do you call it when you poke that guy on facebook, or add a stranger because you think he is hot?

We live in a world where guys will ask for your BBM, you will spend hours on Facebook chat, and there's nothing more exciting then hearing the ping of a FF Tweet from a someone you fancy.

So are you not tecnically online dating?

Clicking on a site that help builds your path to a happy ending is like finding a means to a very happy end.

1. It's a time saver; how often have you met a cute guy in a bar and then wasted your time having to speak to him for an hour, realising he has the personality of a dead fish and that you have NOTHING in common.... with online dating you can pretty much give him an entire background check before you press the 'click to buy' button.
2. There's a large pool of singletons to meet; If I told you there was going to be a party in your local nightclub and it would be full of single men ready to talk to you, I can guarantee you'd be there, right? Go figure. (Sorry I always wanted to say that! And now seemed quite appropriate)  
3. Increased selectivity; you can choose who you want to speak to and who you don't. Yey! No more chatting to the biggest loser in town becuase your friend has pulled and you're on your lonesome. 
4. It's all about the personality; Ok, so i't's imporant you have your best profile picture up there because men are visual, but once you get past that hurdle, you can spend as long or as little as you like really getting to know someone before commiting to anything. Yey! No more being traded in for the leggy blonde who just walked into the bar!
5. Rejection is much easier to handle; There's nothing worse than being in a bar trying to flirt with a guy, only to realise that the only reason he was staring at you is because you had your skirt caught in your knickers. Major humility and rejection! Hang my head in shame. Online if a guy doesn't like you he just won't message back, simples. 

So there's my brief opinion on online dating.

It's entirely upto you which side of the fence you sit on.

But don't moan and say there's are no good men out there, when it's your own pride that won't let you access the whole sea of fish online.



Click and collect.

xx

Blog 23: Happy Father's Day

When I was a little girl my dad would make my breakfast in the morning, and then patiently show me how to tie my shoelaces.

If it was winter, he would remember to leave my socks on the radiator, so that my toes would be warm when I put them on.

Every day at 3pm he would wait proudly at the school gates. I’d press my nose against the school window waiting to catch a glimpse of his slightly balding hair and big glasses.

And, when the bell would finally ring, I would run down the path and into his arms for a big hug and a kiss hello.

He’d hold my hand whilst we crossed the road, and I would chat away about all that I had learnt. He would commend my accomplishments, possibly a finger painting or a new story I’d written.

If it was his turn to make dinner, he’d always insist on a sweet treat for dessert, a tea cake perhaps, or caramel wafer. My mum would tut encouragingly.

He’d tuck me into bed promptly at 8pm but not before reading a passage or two from one of my favourite books.

I never felt unloved, never felt unimportant, never felt anything but safe and happy.

I thought all children felt this way for a very long time.

It wasn’t until my last year of primary I realised that not every girl had a father like mine.

I remember going to my friend’s house for my first ever sleep over.

I was shocked when the family started eating without their Dad.

In fact my friend’s dad didn’t come home until much later, when we were upstairs playing on her brothers Nintendo.

I heard his heavy footsteps and very deep voice through the floor, half expecting my friend to jump to her feet at any moment to greet him.

But she didn’t flinch.

“Don’t you want to say hi to your dad” I asked her.

“No” she said firmly. “He’s mean. I don't like him”.

Her words were so jarring I didn’t know what to make of them.

How could she hate her dad?

I became so curious to meet the man of the house that I made up the excuse of needing a glass of water.

My friend walked me down the stairs where we found her dad eating at the dining room table, buried behind a newspaper.

She didn’t acknowledge him as she walked by.

He didn’t acknowledge her either.

On our way back from the kitchen her dad abruptly tossed his paper to the side.

“Did you clean that hamster cage yet like I told you to?” her dad asked without looking up from his spaghetti bolognaise.

“Yes” my friend answered.

I stood there, behind my friend, just staring at her father.

What was going on here? Why wasn’t he so happy to see her? Why wasn’t he asking her about her day? Didn’t he want to know who I was?

My mind raced with questions but I didn’t dare ask any of them.

Was her father always this late for dinner? Did he usually read the paper at the table? Did he ever hug my friend? Why did she say that she hated him?

As my friend and I grew closer I learnt more about her dad and their relationship.

He was the financial director for an insurance company, a job he hated, but he also coached the local cross country team in his spare time.

He was a huge fan of field athletics and spent all of his free time training.

And of course, when she was old enough, he had encouraged his daughter to train too.

But, my friend was not athletic in the slightest.

Truthfully, she hated sports.

She was into music and art.

But her father wouldn’t hear of her quitting, in fact, if she complained too much he would ground her.

So every weekend was filled with cross country running competitions and training, which made my friend miserable.

Their relationship was not warm and loving.

It was based on fear and resentment.

Her father ruled with an iron fist, and his word was not to be challenged.

He didn’t want to know his daughter; he just wanted her to fall in line…..

So how does this fit into my dating blog? I hear you ask.

The choices you make today effect your future. 

(This may be cheesy, and a tad mental, but it’s 100% true)

You may be living the life of a single girl now, but one day your role will change.

One day you may be a wife, and eventually a mother.

The man you choose for a partner, could not only potentially be your husband, but also the father to your children.

To think that far ahead is hard (and a bit out there) for some of us, but it’s important that we do.

On your journey to meeting Mr. Right, remember you’re not only choosing a man for yourself, you’re also choosing a man that has the potential to lead a family.

Anyone can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad.

So before you commit to any guy, you must ask yourself this “what kind of father will he be?”

My friend didn’t get to choose her dad. She had no say in the relationship she was going to have with him.

She was innocently born into this family and had no power to change the way she was raised.

But her mother did have a choice.

Years ago, when they were dating, she ignored the fact that he can be cold at times.

She disregarded his moody and abrasive personality.

My friend’s mum was simply in love and wanted to get married.

Even if he wasn’t perfect, her mum thought she was strong enough to deal with her Dad’s long list of shortcomings.

But never did she think about how her daughter would handle them.

Maybe you are dating someone right now that has a bad temper. Or maybe he flakes on you whenever you really need him. Maybe he’s too cocky to show his feelings. Or maybe he just makes you feel inadequate, unimportant and sad.

Maybe you are actually considering marrying this man?

Just remember your children will reap the benefits or suffer the consequences based on that decision.

So in your hunt to find Mr Right, make sure you choose wisely….

Blog 22: What do dating and Euro 2012 have in common?

In case you missed it, Euro 2012 kicked off last Friday!

Now, I’m all about being a girly girl, but I do love a good game of footy.  

I especially love the Euros and World cup.  

Any excuse to spend a whole weekend on the couch eating Snickers, with a hot water bottle and a blanket!  

In case you didn’t know Germany are favourite to win. 

Watching them you recognise the importance of team work.  

Their formation, skill and unity are second to none.  

Portugal on the other hand a relying on one key player – a certain Mr Cristiano Ronaldo.  

Now he is a fantastic striker (not to mention he’s a bit of a dish), but he’s leading his team and not doing a particularly great job. 

Ronaldo is coming off the back of a great season, and expecting to do everything.  

But that isn’t want makes a good team, or a good relationship for that matter.  

After plenty of observation (and experience), I believe I’ve decided that there a lot of similarities between relationships and the footy. 

The best relationships don’t just rely on the best player.  

The best team have set pieces, they work together, and the unhealthy ones have strikers with solo or hidden agendas. 

Healthy relationships involve passing the ball to each other, there’s no hidden agenda and you’re working together equally to win.  

If you’re playing with a Ronaldo – then he’s probably egotistical and has his own game to be played.  

He will assume that he can run with the ball because that’s what he wants to do.  

He is leading the team regardless of what you want to do.  

You’ll know if you’re involved with a Ronaldo, because the second you get the ball, he’ll get disheartened.  

He won’t follow it through. He may even stop playing.  

Or he’ll start waving his hands about so frantically that you’ll cave in and give him the ball.  

The mid-fielders (you) are there to simply pass him the ball and boost his ego.  

He doesn’t want you to step up to the goal and put the needed effort in to win.  

He’s controlling. He is the striker.  

This is his game.  

Midfielders basically take a backseat in a relationship with Ronaldo.  

They get pushed aside because they are less likely to score, then the person in front.  

Some midfielders will carry on with Ronaldo’s game because they assume this is what ‘love’ is about, so they keep their head down and keep passing the ball, with no such luck.  

These midfielders don’t pay attention to the fans impatient chants, or continuous yellow and red cards.  

They hope that Ronaldo might change.  

That things will get better.  That they might win the game. 

But as long as you keep allowing Ronaldo to take control then you will continue to take a backseat.  

The best football teams and relationships require tight formations and unity 

Try watching Germany in Euro 2012.

Why are they so good? 

They pass the ball.  

The equally want it just as much.  

Basically they are all playing the same game.  

Scoring the same goal 

This is how a relationship should work.  

Next time you meet a guy ask yourself is this team work or are you playing for a losing side?

Thoughts? xx

Blog 21: A girlfriend in need, is NOT a girlfriend indeed......

One of my best friends Anna recently got dumped by a guy she was really into.

They’d only been together for a month.

It’s taking her awhile for her to get over him, something I can’t quite understand because it was fairly short lived, and it wasn’t like the words "I love you" were ever spoken or parents were ever introduced.

Her reasoning for why it ended was because he didn’t fell as strongly about her and wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship.

Unfortunately for Anna this seems to happen quite a lot. 

Ann is stunning.

Ridiculously tall, with long blonde hair, and legs that reach to the sky.

A night out on the town with her and you can be guaranteed free drinks and invites into endless VIP booths.

But despite her super-model looks, Anna can’t seem to hold down the one thing she really wants - Mr. Right.

Over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that guys become attracted to her on an infatuated basis, but then, once it wears off, most guys don’t want to keep pursuing the relationship.

I don’t know about you, but from my experience, this seems to be a reoccurring problem for single girls worldwide!

I can’t count the number of times I’ve thought:

“It’s not that I can’t attract a guy, it’s just that I can’t seem to keep him”

Anna and I could not be more different as people, but we both have the same agonizing problem of finding a man and keeping him interested for longer than 3 dates.

Naturally our conclusions lead us to question “Why are there no good men out there?”

But could it be that WE are the problem?

Could it be that OUR own fear and need – of being alone, of not-being-good-enough, of being too rigid, to masculine – is running the risk of turning off any new men we meet?

Is our desperation turning us into sales women - forcing men into a relationship, rather than allowing them to buy into it on their own accord?

Anna rang me last week in floods of tears.

Apparently, her ex had told a mutual friend that the reason he broke up with her was because she was “crazy-needy”

Of course, Anna was bound to be heart broken. 

But I couldn’t help thinking that maybe he made had a valid point.

Anna has always gone from bloke to bloke.

She once said to me that having a boyfriend makes her life feel more exciting.

Naturally, Anna was extremely happy when they had first got together; but that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

I honestly believe, you shouldn't pursue a relationship until you are happy in your own circumstances.

Basically, don't make your happiness depend on that of a guy; especially when they're not guaranteed to stick around in the long run!

Anna isn't as happy as she used to be, and I think it's because the relationship didn't work out and more recently, she discovered that how her ex really felt about her was different than what he told her.

I could tell her to look at the brighter side of things, but that's more easily said than done.

So what is a single girl supposed to do?

What’s the answer to keeping a guy interested for longer than 3 dates?

DO NOTHING.

If you’re “doing something” it means you a desperately trying to keep your emotional tether alive.

You’re trying to nudge him into texting you, seeing you, committing to you.

But the thing about Mr. Right is that he won’t need to be nudged, pushed or cornered into a relationship.

So, what do you do?

If it’s been 10 hours and you haven’t got a text, you do nothing.

Let it be.

If it’s Thursday night and he hasn’t called to ask what you’re up to this weekend, you do nothing.

Let it be.

If you’ve been dating for 6 weeks and it still says he’s single on his FB profile, you do nothing.

Let it be.

Why? Wouldn’t it make more sense to text him, call him and speak to him so that he doesn’t lose interest in you?

Nope, all you do when you corner a man into action is let him know that he is in control.

You’re simply telling him that you are desperate, needy and you want a boyfriend.

Finding Mr. Right is not about finding out if he wants to live in the city or the country, when he wants kids, how long does he think he’ll take to put a ring on it and trying to get him to say “I LOVE YOU” by date 4.

These are all things you’ll deal with later. ….

For now, whether you’re single, or dating, learn to just have fun.

Laugh. Say Yes. Be easygoing. Smile. Fool around. Enjoy the moment.

These are the things that make you attractive.

And you’ll never have more leverage over a man then one who has chosen you on his own accord.

Mr. Right will only emotionally invest in you because he feels happy when he’s around you.

If it’s week 3 and he’s already receiving texts saying “where are you?” or late night calls pleading “where is this going?” then you’re not making him feel too good in the present, so he certainly won’t stick around for a future.

Just relax and enjoy the ride.

Put all your fears, all your nudging, all your needs to the side and just enjoy the present.

Mr. Right will know when to make the next move, I promise.

And if he doesn’t then he isn’t Mr. Right!